Lonely

A few days ago, my younger son went out to play with his friends as usual.  They rode their bikes around our neighborhood.  I went for a little walk and found them at the playground.  They told me they would be going to the other two playgrounds around us.  

I continued my walk and decided to try to find them.  I got to the second playground, and they weren't there.  I figured they didn't stay long and went ahead to the third one.  So I continued on.

On the way there, I saw one of our neighborhood friends.  It was this mom and her five year old.  Sometimes we chat for a bit.  When they are by our house, her son sometimes plays with mine.  I asked them if they saw my son, and they said no.  And then we waved goodbye to each other.

Watching them right then, I felt lonely.  Her child was not old enough to go off on his own.  Meanwhile, I had no idea where mine was.  My son is only becoming more and more independent.  Inevitably, he will grow up and more and more he will be away from me.

I headed to the third playground, and they weren't there either.  As I left, I saw a family at the parking lot.  They had two toddlers looking out of their car's sun roof.  They weren't particularly doing much more than that, but they seemed to be having the time of their lives.  Simple fun.  

When I got home, my son was there already.  His friend had gone home.  Apparently, after we split up, they soon decided to just go home instead for some reason.  So I went out to search for him when I could have just gone home.

Meanwhile, my older one has been spending most of his time in his room since he began high school.  He used to leave his door wide open all the time but recently he began closing it so his brother doesn't bother him.  He never locks it though.  When we need to wake him up, we usually knock first and then walk in when he doesn't answer.  We never typically bang on the door.  Most of the time, we come in and gently nudge him awake.

He has also been putting his earphones on more and more.  Sometimes we would talk to him and he doesn't hear us.  When it's important, we would of course, interrupt him and get his attention.  But sometimes, at least with me, I just let it go and wait until later so he can keep enjoying his music.  I like giving him his freedom.  But it does make me feel a bit lonely, too.

I'm a little torn when it comes to their mess and picking up after them.  On one hand, I don't like them taking us for granted, and they do need to learn to tidy up and keep things neat.  But at the same time, I know I will miss cleaning up after them when they go off to college and eventually maybe marry and start their own families.

Earlier today, my wife went out shopping.  My younger one went out off to play with his friends.  And my older one went to the gym to work out.  I just sat outside for about an hour.  It got a bit chilly, but I didn't feel like going inside.  I thought about grabbing a sweater, but I didn't want to leave.  I just watched people walk by while the surroundings got darker.  Eventually my older one came walking back with earphones on.  I didn't say anything, but I did give him a fist bump.  Then a few minutes later, my younger one came riding back, yelling goodbye to his friends.  I then followed him inside.  When my wife came home, they helped carry the groceries inside.