Lonely

A few days ago, my younger son went out to play with his friends as usual.  They rode their bikes around our neighborhood.  I went for a little walk and found them at the playground.  They told me they would be going to the other two playgrounds around us.  

I continued my walk and decided to try to find them.  I got to the second playground, and they weren't there.  I figured they didn't stay long and went ahead to the third one.  So I continued on.

On the way there, I saw one of our neighborhood friends.  It was this mom and her five year old.  Sometimes we chat for a bit.  When they are by our house, her son sometimes plays with mine.  I asked them if they saw my son, and they said no.  And then we waved goodbye to each other.

Watching them right then, I felt lonely.  Her child was not old enough to go off on his own.  Meanwhile, I had no idea where mine was.  My son is only becoming more and more independent.  Inevitably, he will grow up and more and more he will be away from me.

I headed to the third playground, and they weren't there either.  As I left, I saw a family at the parking lot.  They had two toddlers looking out of their car's sun roof.  They weren't particularly doing much more than that, but they seemed to be having the time of their lives.  Simple fun.  

When I got home, my son was there already.  His friend had gone home.  Apparently, after we split up, they soon decided to just go home instead for some reason.  So I went out to search for him when I could have just gone home.

Meanwhile, my older one has been spending most of his time in his room since he began high school.  He used to leave his door wide open all the time but recently he began closing it so his brother doesn't bother him.  He never locks it though.  When we need to wake him up, we usually knock first and then walk in when he doesn't answer.  We never typically bang on the door.  Most of the time, we come in and gently nudge him awake.

He has also been putting his earphones on more and more.  Sometimes we would talk to him and he doesn't hear us.  When it's important, we would of course, interrupt him and get his attention.  But sometimes, at least with me, I just let it go and wait until later so he can keep enjoying his music.  I like giving him his freedom.  But it does make me feel a bit lonely, too.

I'm a little torn when it comes to their mess and picking up after them.  On one hand, I don't like them taking us for granted, and they do need to learn to tidy up and keep things neat.  But at the same time, I know I will miss cleaning up after them when they go off to college and eventually maybe marry and start their own families.

Earlier today, my wife went out shopping.  My younger one went out off to play with his friends.  And my older one went to the gym to work out.  I just sat outside for about an hour.  It got a bit chilly, but I didn't feel like going inside.  I thought about grabbing a sweater, but I didn't want to leave.  I just watched people walk by while the surroundings got darker.  Eventually my older one came walking back with earphones on.  I didn't say anything, but I did give him a fist bump.  Then a few minutes later, my younger one came riding back, yelling goodbye to his friends.  I then followed him inside.  When my wife came home, they helped carry the groceries inside.

Sober

My kid had a hockey tournament a couple of months ago.  Most of his teammates stayed at the same hotel.  We had a team dinner at a pizza place about 10 minutes away.  We were by the beach, and it was BYOB.  The moms sat together and had champagne.  The dads were on another table having beers.  I must have been the only adult there who wasn't drinking.  

I know the hotel was only a few miles away, but I just don't drink when I have to drive.  Even if it's just one.  It just doesn't make sense to me.  I want to enjoy my drink.  If I'm driving after that one drink, I'll have to really concentrate and that will just kill the buzz.  So what's the point?  

I actually had some High Noons in my room.  When we got back to the hotel, we watched the Stanley Cup Final in the lobby.  I brought a few cans down and drank there.  I was good and drunk when it was time to sleep.

Actually, I did have a drink and drove recently.  It was at a coaches' meeting.  Our head coach announced he was retiring, and I decided to join him and the other assistant coaches in having a drink.  It was just one High Noon.  I can't remember the flavor.  And I was fine driving home.  Also, my kids weren't with me so I was a little more comfortable taking that chance.

Before that, it had been a really long time when I had a drink and drove.  It was around college.  We were hanging out at a friend's house in the Bronx.  I had been planning on spending the night and was drinking a lot, as I used to do.  But in the early morning, one of my friends said he had to get home because he had work in the morning.  I can't remember the details.  I can't remember if he was my ride.  But somehow I ended up driving him.  (Also, I was drunk, which is why I can't recall everything correctly.)  Anyways, it was just no fun.  I had to sober up quick.  And of course, you're quite stressed and hoping you wouldn't get stopped so you have to be extra alert.  (We used to kid ourselves that you end up being more careful driving when you're drunk because you don't want any reason to get stopped.). Anyways, I think I his car to my home and then he took over the rest of the way.  I think so anyway.  It's totally possible I might have driven my mom's car that night.  Pretty irresponsible of me to not plan it out and drive home drunk, if that were the case.  But I'm not sure.  That was pretty much the only time I did it though.  I was like, never again.

These days, when we drive, I only drink when my wife is with me.  She then drives us home.  She doesn't drink so she ends up being designated driver.  I pretty much drive every where else every other time.  So it's pretty much an unspoken deal.

But anyways, it's really just not worth it.  As much as a drink might be nice to have.  I think they can actually take your car, too, if you're drunk enough.  And of course, the hassle of getting into any accident, drunk of sober, is just really annoying.  So back at that team dinner, it was kind of awkward watching everybody else drink, and saying no when I was offered on, and sitting there sipping on water, but none of that tempted me, even though it was just a quick ride back to the hotel.  

I would not want to be the guy to cause an accident because I was drunk or buzzed.  I don't want to cause damages to other vehicles.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  And definitely don't want to endanger people's lives.

I'm just thinking about Johnny Gaudreau's death, and it's just so senseless.  From what I read, it happened on a quiet street, where you don't expect a lot of cars.  I don't know why you would want to be speeding in that kind of situation.  You should just chill out and deal with it, even if you're in a hurry.  

People need to just relax overall.  Everybody is speeding with nowhere to go.  At the end of the day, you are only saving a couple of minutes, or even just a few seconds.  

In the past year or two, I have begun using cruise control more.  Driving has been more peaceful with it.  I set to just over the speed limit and then sit back and relax.  Cars just drive around me, and I'm just chilling.  Occasionally there's an asshole who will cut you off very close (and that would have set me off years ago), but overall drives just pass and move on with their lives.  I like it.  I plan ahead so I'm not late, and I don't stress out when there's traffic.

I used to be a speed demon, and would get pissed off a lot.  I would stress out when I had to slow down.  I would drive around other cars, change lanes to get ahead, and tailgate and cut other people off.  And when we got to the destination, I was exhausted.  It takes a toll physically and mentally.  But nowadays, I get there and I'm fresh and relaxed.  And then I enjoy the rest of the day more. 

And it doesn't really matter if I do end up late.  Sometimes you can't control traffic, and you have no choice.  But you get there.  And most of my trips are with my family.  So either way, we're together.  And we get there alive and safe.  And we didn't hurt anyone on the way.

I was reading some things about this news last night.  Actually, scanned over them, more like.  I thought it was a hoax.  It just didn't seem likely that a superstar hockey player would die at such a young age.  And then this morning, I found that it turned out to be true.  Totally unexpected.  I wish nothing like that would happen to my family.  I am scared of tragedies.  I have been since having my first son.  I always look twice when I cross the road and try to be safe in my travels because I always want to make it home to them.  I remember watching this nature show where this baby bird is waiting for its parent to come back and he never does and the baby is just crying out, and I felt so bad for it.  I don't want that to happen to my children.  I always want to be there for them.  I always hug them and kiss them and tell them that I love them.  I think I'm going to do that now.

Farty Towels

Sorry for the post title, but I have been re-watching "Fawlty Towers" recently.

I had a meeting earlier.  It was on Chime, not on Zoom.  I didn't realize it would be on Chime.  I was expecting it to be on Zoom.  But I didn't have the Chime app.  So I had to use the browser.  I wasn't able to set up my usual background, so I just turned on the blur.  But it wasn't the same.  You could still see the mess all around me.  A little bit after I introduced myself, I turned off my camera.  And of course, I'm always muted when I'm not talking. 

Usually I always check that I am muted when I have to fart.  I like to just let it all go.  I like to force it out.  Blast it.  It feels more satisfying that way.  So far I have not had an accident.  I have always had the mic on mute.  As far as I know.  I hope so anyway.

I also poop with the door open, by the way.  I forgot to mention that in yesterday's post.  But I never poop during a meeting.  It's just too weird.  And definitely I wouldn't want to accidentally turn on the camera or something.  One time I was at the gym on the treadmill and I mistakenly had the camera on for a second.  I was all full of sweat and everything.  I turned it off right away.  I hope no one noticed.

Back when I was in high school, I used to hold in my farts all the time.  I was too scared to even let it out silently.  I didn't want to accidentally make a sound.  So I would keep it in all day.  And it messed up my stomach, I think.  Even when I would go to the bathroom, it wouldn't just come out any longer after holding it in.  I would always feel terrible by the time I got home.  I don't think I was able to just release it either.  It would take its time to come out.  

Anyways, long story short, whenever I'm home alone and I feel the need, I just let it go.  It feels so freeing for me now after suffering all through high school.  I think in college and at the office, it got a little better.  Definitely when I had my own edit room, it was good when I was alone in there and I was just able to release it.  And then when I got to work in other offices and other jobs, I was able to go for a walk or excuse myself or something and do it quietly.  

But high school was different.  You were always surrounded by other people.  You had to ask permission to go to the bathroom.  And again, by the time you go there, it had already kinda settled in your stomach after holding it in for so long.  

I don't know why I couldn't let it out silently.  I didn't like the thought of other people smelling it.  And again, I was too scared of making a sound and being found out.  I just think and worry too much I guess.  I don't know why I'm writing about this, but it just feels good to let it out.

Pooish

Well, there's no single word for needing to pee, as far as I know.  I don't think there's one for needing to poop either.  If there was a word, what would it be?  Pooish?  I don't think pooish is a word because autocorrect turns it into polish.

I used to poop once a day.  Pretty regularly.  When I first started working around 2005, I would have my banana nut muffin and coffee, and immediately a few minutes later I would be feeling pooish.  Before the clients would come and before my coworkers arrived, I would go into the work bathroom and take care of business.  It was quick.  In and out.  That was my routine for a few years.

We have moved locations since then.  The next office in 2009, we had to share a bathroom with other businesses.  So I was never really comfortable going in there when anyone can walk in at anytime.  The previous location was just a small private bathroom with a stall and a urinal, but I was able to lock the main door.  And again, I was pretty quick.  In and out.  I think I did go sometimes in that second location, but it was not a regular thing.

And then we moved again I think in 2010.  We had a private bathroom for our office, but there were a lot of colleagues there.  I didn't really like it there.  And I was pretty irregular at that point.  Also, kind of a weird thing, but our bathroom had a shower.  I don't think anyone actually used it though.  It's funny but I can't picture what it actually looked like.  I can barely even remember where it was located on the office floor.

And then we moved again to Long Island City in 2015.  This was a warehouse location.  I do remember going sometimes, but again, not regularly.  There were like two or three stalls, and I remember one time one of them was clogged and we had to put a sign not to use it.  Mostly, I came and went as I pleased.  I would take my time coming in in the morning and arrive around 10 and then just quietly disappear around 2pm.  I was terribly underpaid and I had been there too long.  I quit that job around 2017.

I got another job at a big TV network.  They actually had a bunch of bathrooms.  I liked walking around and going into the offices and control rooms and studio sets.  Pretty quickly, I noticed which bathrooms were not busy at certain times of the day.  I still did not have a regular schedule, but I was able to poop in peace.  It also helped that I mainly worked nights and weekends so there were usually less staff available.  Later in Spring 2018, I became a staff member and worked during the day.  I found some quiet spots but again was not always very comfortable.

I got a different job in the summer of 2018.  We had a couple of bathrooms with private locks.  It was not a stall type situation so I didn't care at this point.  I still didn't have a regular schedule though.  There was actually a third bathroom with stalls but I only used it when the other two were occupied.

Part of that job required traveling to clients' offices.  I don't think I ever went at any of them.  Except probably the one client up by Boston because I was there for a couple of days and nowhere else to go.

Somedays, after a client visit, I would just head home.  Usually around 1 or 2pm, I would be like, I'm done.  Sometimes my supervisor would ask where I was, and I'm like, "I'm headed home.  Do you need me back?"  And he would just be like, "I guess not".  Okay then.  And being home was where I was most comfortable.  

In March 2020, I got another job.  It was at a big building, and we had multiple floors.  My first day of orientation, it was kind of one of my concerns because there were definitely a ton of employees.  There were no quiet sanctuaries like my TV network job.  But fairly quickly that same day, a Monday, talk began about possibly sending everyone home because of the pandemic.  On Tuesday, we were planning Work from Home.  On Wednesday, we began sending people home.  On Thursday, it was just our team and maybe a couple other skeleton crews in the entire building.  On Friday, we were working from home, too.  So I never got to go regularly there.

And I've been mainly working from home since.  Not to brag, but I actually have four toilets in my home.  I typically don't have to wait if I have to go.  There are four of us in the house, so at least one bathroom is always free.  I have been kinda regular, usually going in the morning.  But working from home with my own executive washroom available at any time, I sometimes go at other times, too.  I have been taking Metamucil from time to time and that seems to help.

The only things that screws me over is my kids' hockey schedules.  Sometimes they have early games so that can throw me off.  And sometimes there would be tournaments where we are away all weekend.  But overall, it's been good.

Anyway, what's my point.  I guess things are good.  Overall.  Looking back, things definitely have improved in my life.  I still want to do better, but I guess I should keep things in perspective.  Life ain't so shitty.

Peeish

Is there not a word for describing when you have to pee?  Like, we have words for wanting to fill our body, such as hungry and thirsty, but no single words for emptying.  When we need to go, we have to make a statement.  I have to pee.  I gotta go.  I am going to burst.  There's no single word description for it as far as I know.

Anyway, that's why I went to the doctor.  Because I get peeish a lot.  (I don't think peeish is a real word; autocorrect turned it into perish.).   And it's been affecting my sleep.  I wake up at least once a night, and sometimes two or three.  

I have been peeish for a long time now, maybe over 20 years.  I mentioned this to my doctor and he never really seemed concerned.  I kinda noticed it around college when I used to drink a lot.  In the mornings after I take my coffee, I would have to pee right away.  And I could smell the coffee in my pee.  

I didn't really follow up much with my doctor either.  Honestly, I was scared to find out something was very wrong.  But recently I decided I needed to address it, mainly so that I could be around for my kids and my wife.  

Fortunately, when I went to the doctor to go over my bloodwork, he found nothing wrong.  No cancer, no diseases, no diabetes.  Everything seemed to look good.  Unfortunately, that doesn't solve the peeishness problem.  (I don't think peeishness is a real word; autocorrect turned it into peevishness.)

He prescribed me some muscle relaxers.  Supposably, it should relax my bladder so that it's not so active.  The only side effect is feeling groggy, so I shouldn't operate heavy machinery after I've taken it.  As usual, I overthink things and worry too much, and the whole day I was anticipating taking it and stressing out, imagining just having no control over my muscles or just my heart not being able to take it or something like that.  Especially since my older son had practice and my wife would be taking him so it would just be me at home with my nine year old.

So I did take it before bedtime.  And I felt fine.  I didn't really get sleepy, mainly because I was thinking and worrying too much.  But I did feel relaxed all night.  I still did wake up to pee, but it was not the pee that woke me up, it was just that I woke up so I just peed.  If that makes sense.

We will see what happens tonight.  Hopefully, the second time around will be better and I can actually finally sleep through the night.  I was only able to do that basically like once in the past year.  I'll tell you more about that later.  But I slept like a baby then.  

If it still doesn't work, I will have to see a urologist.  My doctor recommended one, but I forgot to call them to schedule an appointment.  They will probably be closed for Labor Day, too, so I might have to wait a while.  One of the things they should be able to do is a bladder scan.  And one thing I am hoping we wouldn't need to do is a cystoscopy.  My doctor showed me a picture of the procedure, and uh, it wasn't pretty.  They basically insert a tiny tube into your urethra.  He assured me it would be all right since they give you anesthesia.  But as I said before, I tend to think too much, and if I had to go through it, it'll be tough to unimagine what they are doing to my wee-wee.

Actually, I should see the urologist even if the muscle relaxer helps me sleep.  Because I will still need a fix for when I'm awake.  But hopefully a bladder scan is enough and I won't need a cystoscopy.  I think I will also need a prostate exam.  My doctor told me that and he made the finger motion while suggesting it.  You know the one.  Not quite looking forward to that either, but would gladly take it over getting a tube inserted into my wee-wee.

Thirsty

I don't really get thirsty much, actually.  I could run up to ten miles without a drink.  When I'm skating or playing with my kids or staying out in the hot sun all day, I don't feel the need for water.  Much like everything else with me, it's really when I start thinking about things that I feel the need for them.  With drinking, I often think about how a nice ice cold lemonade would really hit the spot, and that's when I seek out the drink I'm after.

From time to time, it could be a High Noon or a sour margarita.  Or one of those bubbly waters they make nowadays.  I like the lime flavor.  I don't really drink alcohol much anymore.  I've been trying to cut it out more and more.

But I used to drink a ton when I was in college.  I was proud of it.  I liked when my friends would come over and each one would bring a case of Corona or something.  Even when I was alone, I used to drink a six pack of Heineken while watching the Yankees game at home.  (I used to like them before switching to the Mets; that's another story.)  During recycling days, I would bring out full bags of beer cans and bottles for all the neighbors to see.

Maybe my kids are kind of like me in that they don't seem to get thirsty much either.  They can go for a long while on ice without water.  Either that, or they're just too lazy to bring their bottles.

Anyways, that is probably why I get headaches sometimes.  I might not feel the thirst, but it's probably affecting me physically still.  I should probably try and monitor that.

Still, despite not drinking too much, I often have to pee a lot.  And right away.  I think I have an overactive bladder.  Hopefully nothing worse.  Or maybe it's all in my head?

Hungry

I was on the ice the other day, and one of my fellow coaches tells me that he is hungry.  This was past lunchtime.  It was Saturday, when we have back to back to back to back sessions, and the coaches can be there from early morning to late afternoon.  I told him that I usually bring protein bars, but I didn't have them that day.

I didn't make it there for the earlier sessions.  I've been enjoying the well deserved breaks in the summer mornings, so I was home and actually got a chance to properly eat.  So I didn't need to bring protein bars or snacks.  But I usually would stock up on them.  They are very helpful to have when you would spend whole days and nights at the rink without getting a chance to eat.

I started bringing protein bars when I worked in I.T. many years ago.  There would be some nights when I would find myself stuck in a server room for hours troubleshooting and fixing problems.  I could end up there from the start of day to past midnight, and one time I was there after daybreak.  Sometimes the client would be kind enough to order pizza or something, but otherwise we would basically starve.  So I learned to prepare and bring those protein bars.

I think some people are able to forget their hunger under pressure and not think about food.  My colleagues may have been like that.  But I'm quite the opposite.  I think about lunch time and dinner time.  And the more aware I become about missing a meal, the hungrier I feel.  And I get lightheaded and dizzy and I start getting headaches.  Having a little bit of sustenance gives me relief, and I am able to continue working again.  Or skating or coaching or driving or just functioning in general.

So sometimes, decided what to eat with other people makes me irritable.   Because it makes me think about where to go, how to get there, and more importantly, how long it would take before we can actually eat.  And all that awareness and calculation makes me even hungrier.  When people are discussing the options, I can feel my stomach grumble and my head begins spinning.  It is especially annoying when I am the one who has to drive to get there.  

I feel like it is mostly in my head, but it does affect me physically.  I can definitely go a long time without eating, but that's if I don't think about it.  But I do think too much.  And I worry too much.  But actually sometimes when I actually don't think about it and it catches up to me, I find myself actually having actual headaches, and those are the ones that don't go away easily.  Taking aspirin usually helps, but it takes a while until I feel better.  So I guess, I would rather worry too much and generate the headaches instead of getting actual migraines without being able to control it.  

But anyways, yeah, I don't like being hungry.

Queasy

The first time I got a blood test, I was 12 years old.  It was maybe a couple of months after I moved to the United States.  I had never gotten one before in the Philippines.  Of course, it was absolutely new and pretty scary.  I actually cried.  I was bawling like crazy.  It was kinda pathetic actually.  A big kid crying at the doctor's office like a little baby.

Blood always made me queasy though.  Even years before that.  I remember seeing an illustration of the human nerve system around the fourth grade, and it made me so uneasy.  Just made me feel so lightheaded and all sorts of nervous all over my fingers and toes.

Seeing blood in movies and on TV makes me feel the same way.  Like, one of the shows I enjoyed watching was "The Knick", but when they would have scenes where they operate on people, it was very hard for me to take.  There was a film we went to watch when I was in high school where this vampire guy just has his victim's blood dripping all over.  My friends must have thought it was cool and probably ate popcorn and drank soft drinks throughout the whole thing, but I kept shifting all over my seat.  I just couldn't wait for it to end.  

This is why I couldn't be a nurse or a doctor.  A lot of Filipinos are in the medical field, and it would have been great to be one of them.  Perpetuating the stereotype.  But I wouldn't be able to give shots or take blood or something.  I would probably pass out in front of the patient.  So that was something that was never really a consideration.

I can't recall another blood test during high school.  It's possible I had one and totally erased it from memory.  At some point around college, I think I got another one.  I was feeling all right after it, but the nurse must have seen how uncomfortable I looked and she gave me smelling salts.  I didn't know what it was.  She just said to put it to my nose and take a deep breath.  Boy, did it wake me.  But I bet not a lot of people need that.

That was probably the last time I had blood work for a very long while.  

And for a long time now, I have been worried about my health.  I had stomach problems years ago, and my doctor gave me medicine for it and I seem to be better now.  I didn't need to draw blood for that diagnosis.  However, I also have been peeing a lot for the same amount of time, or even longer actually.  It would be good if all you need was a urine test.  But I had been putting off getting a consultation because I guessed blood work would be ultimately needed.

And I was right.  Last year after New Year's, I resolved to be brave and get myself taken care of.  I went to the doctor and told him.  And yes, he recommended blood work.  But yes, I was scared.  And I knew I needed to fast, so I would be hungry.  And I would have to figure out how to get to the lab and home.  On an empty stomach first and then feeling queasy after.  And I was too scared to admit to my wife about how terrified I was of the needle.  So I kept putting it off and over a year later, I still hadn't gone.

Well, a few days ago, my kids had to take their blood test and my wife and I took them.  They were so brave about it.  They always have been.  My younger one just sits there and goes, "Ow!" and that's it.  After that, they're running around like normal.  Playing hockey and doing other things.  And I'm like, what am I so worried about?  So I did make another doctor's appointment.  I told my wife I needed her to take me.  I explained how queasy I get and everything, and she seemed to understand.  At least, she acted like it.

We went to the lab again the next day.  This guy ahead of me goes in and when he comes out, he's just like walking like nothing happened.  I could see the band aid on his arm.  But he's just like so alert and full of energy.  I'm thinking that I should be like that, too.  But I knew I wouldn't be.

When I went in, I was a bit embarrassed to tell the nurse that I get queasy around blood.  I don't know if she heard me or understood me.  She put the needle in.  I didn't look.  I put my head down and covered my face with my right hand.  I could feel my left hand getting numb.  I hoped it would soon be over.  I thought about how other things could be worse that could happen to a person.  And then she put cotton over where the needle was and told me to hold it.  I was relieved to see the needle was out.  And just like that it was done.

I feel like a big baby about it.  I tried to hide my uneasiness as I walked out and the other patients looked at me.  I know I worry too much.  I think too much.  Maybe I have some kind of a psychosomatic condition.  I was worried I would pass out crossing the street or be too lightheaded to notice a car coming at me.  But I made it to our car.  My kid was there, and he didn't even ask if I was okay or anything.  Because of course I was.  Why shouldn't I be?  It shouldn't even be a question.  

My wife had a banana nut bread waiting for me, and I ate it.

It actually was a big accomplishment for me though.  I had been putting it off for too long.  I hope I didn't wait too late.  I know it's silly.  Actually maybe stupid.  But I do worry a lot.  Not only of the process of the blood work but finding out the result, too.  Which right now I am still waiting for.  Hopefully it all turns out good.  Or that is, hopefully we find out what is wrong with me and get it fixed.  And again, hopefully, it's not too late.

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