A bad dream and some regrets.

I had another bad dream last night.  It wasn't a nightmare or anything.  But what was terrible about it was that I was yelling at my son.

It's kind of vague now, but he was trying to take a shirt from me and I wouldn't give it to him.  I was cutting off the sleeves, and I guess I didn't want him to be so close and get hurt.  After a moment, he finally gave up and went away.  And then I noticed that one sleeve was already cut off.  So I wanted to show it to him and say, look, this is what I'm trying to do.  And then that was around when I woke up.

I think what brought that dream on, is that lately I've been kind of feeling guilty about some moments in the past.  Like now, he is almost fully potty trained, and I kind of feel bad about the times I've put him in timeout and yelled at him for not going to the toilet.  Not all of the times, but some of the times, maybe I could have been more patient.

There was also a time when he first started to walk that I refused to carry him.  We were in the park walking to the car, and sometimes he would just stop and wait for you to carry him.  I guess I wasn't having such a great day that day, and I refused.  I just kept walking and he kept walking after me and crying.  I don't know, I kinda feel bad about that now.

There was also a time when he started noticing the noises from our neighbors.  We had this one guy who used to always run up or down the steps for no real reason.  So every time he would go out or come home, we would hear him rumbling on the staircase.  Around ten months, Timeout Boy started to notice this and would run up to his mom or me in fear.  Me, mostly, actually.  (Which is one of the reasons why I lost patience in that walking incident; every time he wanted to be carried, it was by me.)

So anyway, around that time when he started noticing noises from neighbors and from cars outside etc., he started to be real clingy.  For about a week or two, when I would give him a bath, he would want to hold onto me and I kept holding him back so I could wash him and not get myself wet.  He got over that phase after a while, but every now and then, I still think about it and wish I comforted him more instead of just disregarding it.  Maybe I should have explained to him why I didn't want him close.  Or maybe I should have just jumped in the tub with him.

When he first started walking, we would take him to the playground almost everyday.  He would bravely explore, and run and climb, and we had to keep up with him.  One day, I got real mad because I kept calling him back to me and he didn't listen.  So we went home and we never returned for months.  It was near the end of summer, and then it got too cold to go there.  So I feel really bad about that.  When we finally came back, it seemed almost as though the place was foreign to him.  He was very cautious and scared.  He would crawl on the structures instead of running carefree like he used to.  He still does that sometimes nowadays, about two years later.

So these are some moments that I wish I could do over.  Overall, I'm happy with my parenting though.  Timeout Boy is a really good kid who wants to please his parents and teachers.  He is known as the helper in his day care.  And we have a lot of fun and inside jokes together.

I guess I've just been noticing that Timeout Boy is growing.  I think that's why I'm thinking more about when he was little.  Or more little.

I love every phase.  It's hard to explain.  I want him to be a baby again.  And I want him learning to crawl and walk again.  I want him learning to talk and eat again.  And at the same time, I'm glad that he is potty trained, dressing himself, knowing the sounds of letters and practicing writing.  It's like I can't wait to see him grow but at the same time I don't want it to happen so fast.

I guess I just gotta try and enjoy the moment more.

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